The day Peyton decided to make her initial appearance began
the longest, most painful experience of my life, yet it was God all along who
orchestrated it to carry out exactly the way that he planned. I had never had
such an opportunity to place my trust in Him before.
I was eagerly waiting for our baby's arrival. I read article after article about how to induce labor, because I
did not want her to grow too large for me to have a vaginal birth, and I did
not want to be induced. I had it set in my heart to try an unmedicated birth,
for several reasons – both selfish and unselfish. I had read that among other
benefits, labor is much shorter, pushing is much more intuitive, breastfeeding
more doable, and recovery much easier. I had heard that you must set it in your
mind and heart to do it all natural and not think about the existence of an
epidural so that you won’t be tempted. I also knew that it was foolish to write
off the possibility altogether and did not want to idolize any particular birth
plan. My doctor didn’t recommend that I have a birth plan at all, but to be
open to any possibility just as long as it lead to a healthy delivery for me
and the baby. She applauded my desire to go without the epidural, but told me
that in her experience, yes, it’s true the epidurals can prolong labor, but in
women who are too tense and are unable to relax, an epidural is just the
solution to help augment labor more quickly. I was not sure about what I
thought, but I knew that doing the epidural was not going against my
conscience, and anything I chose would be a decision based on wisdom and
discernment. Jesse wanted me to be open, but I asked for the support from him
to spur me on to doing it naturally, he agreed and promised not to despair and
give in to me when I was to inevitably suffer from severe labor pain.
On Thursday morning, at around 3am, I felt some
lower abdominal cramping that came and went. Excited, I laid in bed and
contemplated labor and what I wished for the baby when she came out – that she
would be healthy, that she would grow up to love the Lord and know that she
would be loved by us. My contractions became stronger and I was having some
difficulty breathing while in bed. So I woke Jesse up and we started packing up
our bags. I heard that laboring at home in a comfortable setting sped up the
process, so I was determined to do so as long as possible. I even washed the
dishes, cleaned the apartment a little bit, brushed my hair and put on make-up
(Jesse commented that I must not have felt that bad to be putting on makeup at
4:00am!). The contractions started getting stronger and closer together, so we
decided to go to the hospital around 6am.
When arrived at check-in and were registering, my water
broke and they admitted me right away. I was 3cm dilated at that time, which
was a little disappointing considering it had been about 3 hours since early
labor began. We were placed in a labor and delivery room and I was attached to
all of these monitors and an IV with antibiotics and fluids. I had heard that
when you refuse the epidural, you’re able to walk around which helps to
progress labor, but it was a hassle to detach all of the lines from the
equipment just to go to the bathroom, so I basically stayed in one spot. The
contractions became a lot stronger, and Jesse was by my side at each one,
telling me to focus on my breathing and massaging my back. At around 10:00am
they checked me again and I was dilated to 6cm, which was really good news. We
labored for another 4 hours and when they checked me again at 2:00pm, I had
only dilated to 7cm. This was the first time my will broke from disappointment
and I started sobbing. I definitely thought we had been progressing this whole
time, but 1cm in 4 hours?! Jesse reassured me and wiped away my tears with some
rough paper towels (why were there no tissues around??) and told me that he
understood my disappointment but that I’d been doing so well and we just have
to be patient and trust God as we go forward.
The doctor called in and had Pitocin started at a very low
dose. I was afraid of being induced as I heard the hormone could make my
contractions more painful, but the nurse explained that yes, it would be
painful, but at this point, it would help to progress things more quickly and
make my contractions more regular as they had slowed down just a little bit.
After several hours of Pitocin, I progressed to 8cm and remained there until 9:00pm,
which would make it 18 hours of unmedicated labor. I kept asking the nurse over
and over what we could do to make it go faster, or to make my cervix dilate
more. No one had answers for me – they just said it was a waiting game and that
everyone was different. That was not what I wanted to hear.
My contractions were getting stronger and extremely painful.
I tried to continue my breathing exercises and tried to distract myself by
looking at the buttons on Jesse’s shirt, his eyes, the contraction graph on the
monitor, the tree on the painting on the wall, but there were several moments
where I just lost it and yelped in pain, which felt good to do but the pain
just got worse as I fought to regain my focus. Jesse in all of this was so
kind. He stood for hours, holding my hands, telling me to concentrate on my
breathing, wiping my tears and comforting me. He didn’t eat nor did he rest for
those 18 hours. He tried talking to me, asking questions and telling me
stories, but all I did was stare at him blankly in despair and didn’t respond. I felt as if there was no
visible end in sight and no signs of progression.
Finally, I asked the nurse if the epidural would help in any
way. She was super supportive, and said that whatever I decided, she would
encourage me either way. She told me over and over that I was doing great, and
that many women would not have continued for this long, but If I was going to
do this naturally, she was going to “rah-rah” me, but that there was nothing
wrong with getting some help. She agreed with what my OBGYN said about the
epidural causing relaxation of the uterus and often helping with dilation in a
patient that was very tense (me!). I looked at Jesse, and he supported my
decision, saying that he knew that I wanted to do this naturally, but also that
he knew how hard it was at this point for me. So I opted for the epidural. To
be honest, as the nurse ran off to carry out my request, I felt defeated, like
I had given up, that I had labored for 18 hours without medication for nothing,
only to be overcome by the pain. I felt sorry for Jesse for having to bear with
me for so long when I could have spared him that time. I also felt so
disappointed in what I had thought was a flexible birth plan – I had idolized
this idea in my head after all. However, as each contraction grew stronger, I
longed for relief and rest and knew that I could finally get it.
The anesthesiologist came immediately and explained that the
numbing medicine would sting but that was the extent of the pain. I was all for
it since nothing could be as painful as what I had endured thus far. I had
multiple contractions in the time she was prepping me. I asked for a low dose,
but she explained that since my labor was progressed this far, I needed more
medication to reach the larger nerves in the pelvic region than if I had gotten
the epidural earlier. This turned out to be very true since even with the
normal dosage I still had to breathe through my contractions for the next hour.
She came in again to increase the dose further, which helped a great deal. My
doctor called in those minutes to suggest that I get an epidural to speed
things along, and was surprised to hear that I already asked for it. I was
grateful for her approval of my decision.
Right after the epidural was in, I felt a lot of fluid rush
out and I told the nurses about it, but they were unconcerned, thinking that it
was just more amniotic fluid. However, when they checked the pads I was laying
on, there was only blood. They kept changing the pads and I kept bleeding. My doctor
called and spoke with me on the phone saying that she was concerned about the
bleeding because she did not know where it was coming from. She thought that
maybe my placenta had ruptured, and this would mean low oxygenation for the
baby. She wanted to warn me of the possibility of having an emergency C-section,
especially because the baby’s head was still high up and it had been many hours
of labor and therefore a lot of distress for the baby. I cried a lot again,
thinking of our little girl being in danger and that another dent was being
added to my plans for her birth. The nurse, who was a believer, came in to pray
for us, which gave us tremendous comfort. We emailed several friends and family
and asked for prayer as well. I asked Jesse to read to me Isaiah 40 and I took
to heart these verses about God and his sovereignty over all things and how he
guides and leads us and lovingly gives us strength when we are weak:
Have you
not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives
power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even
youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they
who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
Isaiah 40:28-31
I knew that what God said about himself was true, and that
if this is what he willed for us, then it must be the best way. But it was hard
to believe in those moments.
Now there would be more watching and waiting. The only
redeeming news was that throughout all of these hours of hard labor and through
every fierce contraction, Peyton’s heart rate remained calm and steady. The
doctor was not happy with my progress, but was willing to wait to intervene
because of her strong endurance. I finally became fully dilated after about 5
more hours, but her head was still high up. Finally at around 2:30am, the nurse
came in to ask me to try pushing. By this time, I was in transitional labor and
shivering uncontrollably. The last thing I wanted was to basically do a
prolonged sit-up and hold my breath. The nurse said that I was pushing well and
finally called my doctor in. She showed up at 3:15am, got everything ready, and
when I felt the pressure final contraction, Peyton came out after 2 pushes and
she was placed immediately on my belly.
It was so surreal. I heard her cry and felt her warm body on
my skin and I cried again. She was covered in meconium, but she was the most
beautiful thing I’d ever seen – she was ours and she was finally here! Jesse
came over to hold my hand, not knowing that my hands were also covered in
meconium. It was a light-hearted moment since Jesse is kind of a germaphobe,
and we laughed as the nurse came to wipe both of our hands. The nurses took the
baby away to clean her up and suction her mouth and nose and she was placed on
my chest. I saw her scrunched up face for the first time – her eyes were dark
but inquisitive, looking around at this new world she had entered. She didn’t
cry at all. She came at 3:25am, almost exactly 24 hours after
she began announcing her arrival. It turned out that my placenta had partially
ruptured, which was causing all the bleeding, but the fact that she was born
healthy was a gift and an answered prayer. Our little Peyton Joy, born
at 6lbs 4oz and 17.5 inches. I had never been through such a challenging trial
and never before had I cried exhaustively over so many disappointments,
sorrows, despair and pain. I felt some of Jeremiah’s sorrows through this
experience when he wrote Lamentations:
“My soul is bereft of peace;
I have forgotten what happiness is;
so I say, “My endurance has perished;
so has my hope from the LORD.”
Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
the wormwood and the gall!
My soul continually remembers it
and is bowed down within me.
But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
Lamentations 3:17-24 ESV
In all of this, the Lord showed himself to be steadfast in
his love, merciful, faithful and true to his promises despite my attitude of
hopelessness, despair, and disappointment over the plans I had made for myself.
He turned my sorrow into joy and revived my hope in Him. Peyton Joy, may you
grow to hope and rejoice in the Lord for your life despite the many sorrows and
trials you may face, because your soul finds Him to be your portion.
